topsy turvey

as i listen to the leona lewis album for the first time i find myself candidly writing because i had a pretty br00tal night. the funny thing is i was making MYSELF feel bad. i guess when aunt flo misses a visit and then suddenly drops in, she REALLY makes her self feel at home. im always pretty emotional when my monthly comes around, but this month seems more extreme. any and everything is making me upset... so my ever so loving boyfriend (who isnt loving in the traditional sense) sparked one of my biggest emotional outbursts in a long time. he really didnt do anything other than ignore something i said and THAT alone set me into a whirlwind of attitude, then anger, then sadness, then hard core crying. hes got a lot of patience with me... but on the flip side i deff have a lot of patience for him-- hes got a short fuse and a BIG temper. for the most part we are polar opposites in the emotion department... i tend to be affectionate all the time and he is deff not (although he does have his lovey duby moments) and while he is quick to burst out in anger, i let things simmer till they explode. so last night we had a little spiff, but in ramiro's wonderful charming way he said "stop crying already and go to sleep, you know i love you!-- go to bed, but not crying.... MAN I HATE YOUR PERIOD".... and like always, i told him yes and went to bed(but still cried hahaha). oh i love a little dysfunction, dont you? so aside from that ive been really stressed out lately... ive suffered from chronic migraines the past few weeks... it really sucks. then freaking out about my miss of last month... its been quite an eventfull month and a half thats for damn sure.

im emotionally imbalanced.
im totally a train wreck waiting to happen :) lol.

180.

dear jesus, what have i done.
im feeling betrayed by my own heart and mind.
i promised id never feel this way again.
i guess im a liar.
dear jesus, where do i go from here?
all that ive casted deep with in has sufaced now.
i cant keep my eyes open.
i guess all will stay disguised.

im completely lost.
i cant find my way.

random:

yuuuuuummmmmmmmmyyyyyy

updating.

its been quite some time since my last REAL blog post. the past few weeks have been thoroughly entertaining to say the least. ive gone to the casino with the girls, had and amazing thanksgiving with my family and ramiros family... had fun times at the obey sale (im sure some one would be mad if they found out who was there and that they were nice to me.. hahahaha)... had a surprisingly great time at dinner for drea's bday and had a a totally random time at my sisters for the de la hoya/pacquiao fight. every year, as the holiday season looms i am alway overwhelmed with this warm happy feeling. the past 2 years ive been lucky to have a boy who loves me and family and friends whos only agenda is to make me happy... this year is no different. i feel like ramiro and i have grown even closer this year, as it is the 3rd year we've been together. ive always been close to his family, but now i feel so at home with his family that i consider them MY family... im really looking forward to christmas and the new year. it should bring lots of fun memories to add to my already overflowing catalog.

the days and years are flying by. my niece is getting so big and everyones getting older and more mature. its only a matter of time til we all have families and kids of our own. i wonder if we'll all be friends when the first "d.a.ds" family baby is birthed. hahaha. OH MAN.

and this is why i never wear my sneakers....

because boys like this (see picture below) hit on me with out fail.

the city sleeps in flames.

its been 11 years or so since my sister has slept in our home... but tonight is different. she currently resides in yorba linda... and unless youve been hiding under a rock, you know theres the huge fire thats devistating yl and its surrounding cities.

at about 2pm my father called me from work and asked me to check in with my sis because he had just found out the fires we near her home. when i called her she said the smoke was thick and they could see the flames, but there wasnt a need to evacuate.


4 hours later we called again, just because we are a nervous family... she said still no orders to evacuate.

less than and hour after that, i am at ramiros and my father calls to let me know that indeed my sister and her neighbors have been forced to evacuate.

i had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. i am worried that the fire will continue to move... and her home will be lost. i am heartbroken that many people have already lost their homes. i really hope this all ends soon.

feliz cumpleanos!

happy birthday to me!!

so yesterday was my birthday and it was a nice simple birthday. im not feeling well so i dont feel like writing much.....

the duece duece isnt treating me so well so far! but my friends have!

part one of my birthday resulted in a custom obey hello kitty cake from drea and nancy:

and here are some of the AMAZING gifts i recieved from my friends...

to be contiuned on sunday!

Epic Fail?!

-after the presidential results came in-
Chuck: EPIC FAIL
Natalie: i didnt vote.
Chuck: WTF Get out of here!
Natalie: "i didnt vote because i didnt want my name
going down in the history books as contributing to our countries EPIC FAIL"

so in this year, 2008, we have made history... a black president! who would have thunk it?! prior to our now President Elect Barack Obama running i always said, if we are going to have a black president, i want him the be something like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. because then we really will have change in this nation. I was relatively impartial during this years presidential elections, thats why i didnt vote. i did want to see mccain as president, but im not disappointed that he lost. with that being said i have mixed emotions when i think of our new President Elect.

i am excited and proud that our country is finally, in sarah palins words, "cool". we have abolished the color barrier on capital hill and thats amazing... but im very worried because Mr. Obama has made many promises to our voters, new and returning. promises that built the platform on which he now stands. i really hope that he will not go back on his words and disappoint all these people who have instilled so much trust in his words.

with much disappointment, proposition 8 is slowly loosing fire and by a slim margin, it appears we have lost this battle. as of 11:21am today, with 95.4% of californias precincts reported... its 52% yes and 48% no. im left with a sinking feeling in my stomach. in this day and age where we can accept a african american president, we can not accept the idea that marriage is for LOVERS, not just heteros? sad.. extremely sad. im most disappointed with los angeles county. 100% of the la county precincts reported and the margin was rediculously narrow. yes 50.4% and no 49.6%. i cant express how truly disappointed i am.


i can only wish that we fight for this cause and continue fighting.


OBAMANATION .... this should be interestion

restoring marriage? really?!

proposition 8: an initiative measure on the 2008 CA election ballot titled Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry. if passed, the proposition would "change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California." A new section would be added stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

i know already posted a political blog earlier , but leaving work 2 days ago i noticed our office's lawn adorned a "YES ON PROP 8" sign. i removed if from its upright position and laid it on the grass. driving home from work i was stuck behind a car with several bumper stickers plastered across its tail end. "Yes on Prop 8", "Restore Marriage" and such. i thought to myself how exactly is this proposition going to restore marriage? i understand that they want to "preserve the sanctity of marriage"... because thats what the bible says. i get that... but here's how i see it. you want to preserve marriage? stop the members of the armed forces from marrying simply for money. stop 16 year olds from marrying each other just because they got knocked up. stop people from marrying each other with in the first few months of meeting. how about that? maybe then youd truly be preserving and restoring marriage. maybe then the'd have a lower divorce rate.. ya think?! there are gay and lesbian couples, LIFEpartners... these people have been in a committed, monogamous relationship for years and years, these are the people that DESERVE the right to be married, instead allowing marriage to be a free for all amongst the straight people who take this right so lightly and for granted.

love is an emotion that knows no boundaries. a persons heart loves who they want. and it was GODS hands that made us this way. the church teaches us that we are to love the opposite sex, marry and have children. its is also taught that it is a sin to be homosexual, but it is also a sin to judge another man. i believe those who are gay and lesbian are born this way, it was in Gods plan. hes the all knowing, all seeing, all creator of heaven and earth right? the common argument is God made them straight, but they chose to be gay. why? why would some one knowingly CHOOSE to be put in a situation like this? where their happiness, their equality is voted on by people who will never know what this feels like? i dont know any one that would willingly choose to be "right-less".

prop 8 is so much more than just the legalization of same sex marriage.... its about fundamental rights, equality, justice. the fact that this proposition is even an issue scares me greatly. this is a big deal, voting yes on prop 8 is along the same lines as the segregation of blacks, the ineligibility of women to vote... not allowing a human their fair chance at equality. what if in 4 years, come the next election there were a prop on straight marriages, saying you could only marry your own race or with in your own social class or age group... how would you feel? to be told WHO you have to fall in love with, who you HAVE to marry. you wouldnt like it would you? nah. but sadly that will never be an issue.. in the end... loveless marriages are ok by law, but genuine love thats not substantial enough-- when its same sex.

and please dont feed me bullshit about it being a bad example for the children. i keep hearing people say "but kids are gunna think its ok to marry the same sex and what if they become gay" kids are gay from DAY ONE, if they are. they arent going to learn it in school. if anything i believe it will teach children to be more opened minded to people unlike themselves. it will help those children with 2 moms or 2 dads to not be so confused, to feel normal.
-- which makes me think. the prop 8 supporters run all those ads which state their teaching kids about gay marriage is school and how its confusing them... then they talk about preservation of marriage... but why havent they brought up that in schools they teach about divorced families? wouldnt that be along the same lines.. you know teaching children something that is not in favor of marriage? isnt teaching kids about anything other than a "nuclear" family a contradiction of what their ads message is? and yet, THATS not an issue.

plain and simple, no one can legally stop you from marrying an asshole, drug dealer, child molester, cheater, liar or any one that would make a horrible spouse... theres no deliberation on if you can legally do that... because you LOVE that person and yet we're debating on whether two people who are IN LOVE can marry all because their lifestyle isnt ok according to the bible. ridiculous!

what happened to the separation of church and state?
what happened to equal rights?
what happened to land of the free?


they didnt vote on your marriages, so you shouldnt vote on theirs!

Grand Ol'..... RINO?!

Republican In Name Only

although thats a some what negative term used by conservative Republicans, i will gladly own it.

that being said:

McCain/Palin 08
Prop 1: Oppose
Prop 2: Oppose
Prop 3: Oppose
Prop 4: Oppose
Prop 5: Oppose
Prop 6: Support
Prop 7: Oppose
Prop 8: Oppose
Prop 9: Support
Prop 10: Oppose
Prop 11: Support
Prop 12: Support


but this post is completely usless, why?
because im not voting!


HAHAHAH!

speaking to my love and my insecurities.

Veda (aka vedera)- Moments Rewound

When I'm lost without a word to say
When I'm not the most intriguing
Will you stay?
When I've called just to hear you say hi
Will you find me too needy and walk away?

And I know these are silly questions to ask you
'Cause you've proven to love me far beyond my faults
And I'll hold on to every conversation if it could be our last
'Cause when you're not breathing
I beg for one more breath with you
When you're silent
I hang on to every word
And there are no regrets with this love

Rewind to any moment you like
Sit back, remember
I will always sit back with you

Oh how cool you wished to be
We were both so nervous
But at peace
And the same time knowning this was right
The time I moved in closely for what you weren't expecting
Think on thisBut don't miss
Don't long for the past
Long for what comes next

Come away with life
Come away with love
With something better

...i totally had a throw back to my paul mitchell days and listened to some old music i was really into while in hair school.... my closest friend in hair school was janelle.... and she use to turn me on to A LOT of cool new music... mostly very indie and low key... veda/vedera what ever name you choose to call them was one of the bands i had gotten into and slowly faded from....

have you ever listened to a song and felt like they were your words... stole right from your thoughts, your mouth? thats how i felt when i heard this song.... i had heard it before, prior to being in the current almost 4yr relationship i am in... (ok no so much PRIOR, but before we invested as many emotions and years).... but now listenting to it, it has a completely different meaning... feeling.

i do 3 things when ive got a lot on my mind: write, listen to music and sing.

i sang this song with my whole heart behind it.

total diva moment, but by myself.

i like when music makes you genuinely feel something.

this was a random blog.

no rhyme or reason.

:)

another day, another dollar... and some.

so nancys blog has inspired me to post up a birthday wish list (if you arent sure, my birthday is nov.6th). those who know me, know i have a lot of THINGS... but im not materialistic. i provide for myself and ive never expected anything from any one. if i want something, i hold myself accountable for getting it... if its out of my means, then its not meant for me.

...but with birthdays come gifts (speaking generally). im not expecting to get anything from any one... because the economy has gone to shit and to me personal stability is priority one over buying me a gift... so consider this list something like window shopping... in blog form...


My Birthday Wish List:

hello kitty birthday cake

Minnetonka Tramper Suede Ankle Boot
Size: 6.5/7 $49.95

Hello Kitty Overnight Bag: Nippon print
$48.00
Forever 21 Gift Card

MAC Gift Card

Sephora Gift Card

H & M Gift Card


"A Girl Can Dream" Wish List--
...all the things i wish i were unwrapping...

120 gb iPod Classic- Black
$249

Tiffany & Co. 1873 Lock Bracelet
$275

Return to Tiffany Heart Tag Earrings
$175

Chanel Bodeaux Patent Grand Shopping Tote- Wine
$2,800

Chanel Lambskin Jumbo Flap Bag- Purple
$3,200

Flat Abs
HAHAHAHAHA!

ostritch?! thats not a burger! thats a bird!

my blog title as no relation to what im writing, i just thought that miller commercial they've been running was really funny...


im starting a revovation of myself.
physically & mentally.

ive dyed my hair black.
im allowing it to grow.
ive changed my diet.
and im working out.
(ive lost 3lbs already)

i have a goal to physially be a new me by the new year...
and internally, be a stronger me.
i needed a change, and i hope this ones for the best.
and is lasting.

..we'll see.

wishing on stars.

dreams are a tricky thing... and im not talking about those visual manifestations that occur when youre asleep. im talking about a persons aspirations, their goals, their ambitions. we all have them, lots of them... if you dont then maybe youre not alive. i think my life was built on dreams. primarily because i have a longing to be better than what i currently am. its never been about wanting what i cant or dont have... its wanting what i KNOW i can get. ive always had that "prove you wrong" mentality... mostly because im a brat. when some one told me they didnt believe in me or that i couldnt do something it was my first instinct to prove them wrong... ive built my life on dreams because im never content and i hate failure. i will admit im very ambitions and sometimes i put too much on my plate. so i tend to let little things fall through the cracks-- sometimes big things.

i came from a family that thought highly of education and stellar grades (because good just didnt cut it). from a young age i knew i was different and so did my parents. we were all aware of my intelligence... that was never a question... but i just didnt seem to have the same affinity for school as my brother and sister... i was a free spirit trapped in a book worms body. i maintained a 3.5 and up (every now and then dropping to a 3.0 and being scared shitless about it)... i went to church and youth group just about every day (religion was a REALLY big thing in my home). i barely satisfied my parents dreams for me... but i wasnt at all satisfying myself. i wanted to do all things creative. even with my already busy schedule i joined dance and drill team; i also had a short lived stint in the choir. this is where i wanted to excel and i did. my goals for life after high school were on two complete opposite sides of the spectrum... i wanted to be intellectually and financially successful so i worked hard in school so i could go to pepperdine and study law. but i also had dreams of being a dancer, not the type that belonged to a company, more so the type that did videos and concerts. dance was what i did when i was feeling low or uninspired. i watched music videos day in and day out, learning the routines. i jumped into as many dance classes as i could. i danced until i was 19, ending my dance "career" during my last year at college... some how that dream fizzled out. maybe it was reality sinking in?

my dream of being a lawyer also faded mainly because i didnt want to be a slave to the man haha. it was at this point that i needed to figure out what i wanted to persue. my sister, who graduated summa cum laude from csuf with a degree in public relations (for those of you who dont understand the magnitude of what that is, she graduate with a 4.5gpa making her first in her collegiate class, i know right?!) has always been who i went to for life advice. she was stern, smart and non judgmental. she would give me the honest answer whether i liked it or not. it was her words that made me want to persue a life in hair and cosmetic artisty. she believed in my talent and encouraged me to get the best education possible. my parents werent pleased with the idea of their daughter becoming a hair dresser, but they listened to my sister and begrudgingly agreed to help me financially. i had big goals, i wanted to be the best of the best. i decided to do that i would enroll at paul mitchell the school. i wont go into the number game of how much it really was, just know i could have bought a beamer with my tuition. i decided to go with that school, not only because of its "prestige" but because of the opportunities i knew i would get because of it. being there i truly felt this is where i needed to be. because i made it a point to stand out, because i wanted to be on top the dean knew my name, new my talent and knew who to go to when they needed hands. i did things as a student that, licensed hair dressers who have been in the industry for years will probably never get the chance to do. i did hair for LA fashion week, as well as doing a number of tillys photoshoots. the greatest opportunity of all though was working with the amazing vivienne mackinder. i mean how many cosmo students can say they physically worked with a 5 time NAHA winner. ive never talked about this particular moment in my life, simply because i knew if i did, i would create high expectations and i could possibly disappoint many loved ones... but here it goes: the last day i worked with ms. mackinder, we had a talk about my dreams in hair dressing. i took in all her advice and her genuine words of wisdom and she told me that she see's me going great places, that she hopes to someday cross paths with me. i was on cloud nine... but on my drive home from the long beach convention center i was extremely pensive, i decided id keep that convo to myself because i didnt want to create something that i couldnt complete. somewhere in the next year i lost focus. i lost ambition. i started to realize that my passion for hair wasnt what it use to be. yes, i loved hair i was great at it, but did i love it enough to make it my world? these questions led me to quit hair school (queue grease's "beauty school drop out"). where do i go from here? i knew i wanted to be a part of the beauty industry, but i couldnt seem to find where i really wanted to be. from then to now, ive worked in a full service spa, a bank, worked for benefit cosmetics and now im here. working as a marketing assistant. i have a grown up job with a grown up life to come. yet i still dont know where i want to be, career-wise that is. hmm do i smell some dabbling in fashion marketing? chalk it up to me to want to be a jack of all trades :)

emotionally, my dreams are being fulfilled completely. just like any girl, i wanted to find my soul mate... the one person to complete me. i think that i may have found that in ramiro. as ive expressed in prior blogs, we've had really rough days. but youve got to work hard to get where you want to be right? im not naive, i know nothing is for sure. we are both young and growing. i cant predict that things will remain this way forever. all i can say is i wouldnt hate it if it did :) ramiro not just my boyfriend, hes my best friend. i know i can come to him about almost anything. he not only supports me in my many endeavors, he encourages me. im glad to say that i have found some one that i can honestly and whole heartedly love. we bump heads, we exchange words, we argue and get frustrated... but isnt that where passion lies? its when you dont care, that you loose hope. with ever argument we progress as a tighter unit and i am reminded of how much i appreciate him in my life, and i hope the feeling is mutual.

dreams, ambitions, goals are never ending. they flow constant and i dont ever want that to change. my life is a ball of desire... i want to keep growing, learning, a moving forward. i will never stop when i hit a wall, i will do what it takes to move past it. i can not and will not be stopped at this point in my life. my energy is positive and ready to burst. i cant wait to see what life has in store for me!

because she loves my can.

debbie tan.
remember the first time we met? probably not because you were sloppy drunk :) you made me sit on you lap. that was the first time i wet myself in public. it was from then on i learned to wear depends adult diapers when i know im going to see you, because like a young puppy i get excited when im around you making it hard for me to stop myself from urinating all over the place .ie. your leg. youre va-jay-jay is like pancakes and eggs on a sunday morning, comforting and warm. your touch makes everything below my equator go into convulsions. it feels like the northridge earthquake all over again.

debbie tan.. please touch my can :)


hahhahahahahahahaha.
:-p

i got my fix... kind of.

so im a shop-a-holic. everyone knows that. i was really good and refrained from shopping for about a month or so.... yesterday i got my first check from my new job... SWEET! and what do you think i did? SPLURGED!

i picked up some new jeans: Rock and Republic in the Berlin style. i was in desperate need of new pants so i picked some up... i wanted to buy another pair but i could seem to find any that fit well. i decided to go with more expensive jeans because 1. they fit the best and 2. they last a lot longer than any run of the mill brand. i also picked up a few items from h&m. i got a cute green cropped jacket-- fashioned toward the members only look. i also bought a few new accessories: beanie, scarf and purse. i will admit i spent an obscene amount of money today and its till not over. tomorrow im taking a trip to american apparel with ramiros sister. then i will have my fix for sure. im not going to deny it or sugar coat it. i love to have money and i love spend it.... and im damn good at it hahaha. if shopping were an olympic event, i'd be the michael phelps of the sport.

ahh im a happy camper.
shopping day with my papa bear.
new clothes.
and more shopping to come.

what a good way to end my night.
HAHA.

oh no you di'nt?!

im not a judgemental girl. nor am i shallow, short tempered, picky, or fickle. but i do have a long list of pet-peeves. details tend to rule my world and little things here and there tend to "erk" me. i figure to pass the time i will list few things that when seen, will probably inspire me to talk shit or curse up a storm :)

what can i say, i call it like i see it... so if i dont like it i will speak about it haha.

.slow drivers, especially due to cell phone.
.denim on denim (ie denim jacket with jeans).
.bluetooths... if youre not in a car, then you dont need it.
.babyphat and phat farm.
.pissing calvin stickers.
.bad highlights
.bad extentions: if i can see where they start or the dont match your hair.. theyre not good.
.bad eyebrows
.muffin tops: if youre wearing size 7 jeans and they button under your gut, then maybe you should wear a 9 or 11. you’ll look a slimmer, trust me.
.when some one explains something to me more than once: if i didnt ask you to repeat yourself, then its more than likely i didnt need to hear it again.
.bad driving directions... i get lost on my own, i dont need assistance with that :)
.sTiCKy CapS
.dumb b's, whores, homewreckers and the like.
.people who whistle or make the "pst" sound: really that doesnt make me want to date you.
.hickeys in public view.
.bad tattoos.
.scenesters. -- if you share your jeans, your flat iron, and your eyeliner with your boyfriend… then I mean you!
.panty lines.
.liquid eyeliner eyebrows.
.grammatical errors (although my blog is sure to be riddled with them)
.myspace drama… GET OVER IT, if you can legally purchase your own porn and cigarettes then maybe your old enough to do your arguing in person.
.bad breath.
.alcohol induced arguments.
.finding dribbles of urine on the toilet seat.

im sure theres more i can write... but i guess i'll save it for another post.

finding vindication.

life wasnt meant to be easy. it wasnt meant to be a walk in the park, but dont you find it some what annoying when you come across some one who is seemingly going down the road of life with out a hitch? fuck them, really.

my whole life has been an up-hill struggle, in all aspects-- mostly my personal well being. low self esteem as always been a culprit of my unhappiness. for some reason no matter how many honor and a.p. classes i took in school... no matter how many scholarships received i never felt smart enough. it didnt matter how many boys asked me out, or how many fought for me i was never pretty enough. regardless of how many meals i skipped, meals i threw up, or miles i ran i was never skinny enough. i-- was never good enough.

from what i could remember it was the roughest during my transition from 15 to 16. i lost 35lbs in 4 months... shitty right? it was when i finally lost all that weight i felt an ounce better about myself... at least i thought so. i was 17 when i finally decided to start dating... ass holes. you know the hot guys from work (i worked at knotts at the time so it was usually the white surfer boys LOL), cuties in bands and older boys... all trouble. i finally met a "good guy". we talked, i dated bad guys in between.... and after a year i settled down with the "good guy".....i "fell in love" after a month (oh the stupidity of 17 year olds!)..... and what do you know... 2 months in i learned he wasnt so good after all... i was butt hurt and super depressed. shit hit the fan and all i did was cry. i filled the void with a plethora of 1st dates (at that time i was hott shit and boys always wanted to go out with me haha). --dont get me wrong either, i wasnt slutting around. sex wasnt an option and you were lucky if you got a kiss. i needed a warm body. i needed some one to keep me going. i worked really hard at getting back on my feet. i met ramiro shortly after, but things didnt magically get easier... if anything they got harder.

i had a lot of baggage. i worked jobs that worked me to the bone and left me with nothing to show for it. i stuggled with who i was and if it was even worth trying. it took a year for me to work my issues out of my system. with lots of drama that happened in between and all the demons with in i had to face my life was spiraling out of control. until one day.... out of no where things just seemed to fall into place. i had this undeniable understanding of my life. it just made sense. all the shitty things that happened and all the beautiful things left to occur. it was all clear to me. its on the days when i feel genuinely happy that i recall all these things; the struggles and revelations. i look at my life as it is now and i know that now is the part when things go great. this is my reward for the hardships i faced. this is my reward for not giving up. this is my reward for being a good person.

ive got a great job, amazing friends, supportive family, and a boyfriend who loves me.
thats more that most can say for themselves.
and i appreciate it more than any one can understand.
-- because at one point in time i didnt have any of that.

thank the lord for dumb bitches and hard times.
with out them, life would be boring.

did you photo copy my day?

Life as Ive know it so far has been more, routine.
--more repetitive.

I wake up every morning Monday through Friday at 6:45am (7:05 on a lazy day)... As soon as i turn my alarm off i lay for a minute or two and visualize what Im going to wear. Put on a pot of coffee, go to the bathroom, wash my face, and brush my teeth. I pour a cup of coffee and take it into the bathroom with me (gross i know :-P). I proceed to do as little make up and hair maintenence as possible, get dressed, but still appear to look like i give a damn. I fold my comforter and fix my pillows. I grab my purse, cell, 2nd cup of coffee, and lunch. By this time its 7:45/750am-ish.

10 mintues give or take of driving.

I arrive to work at 8:05 the latest. I commence with the day. Dental cases, calls, computer researching, busy work, no work, microsoft excel, myspace, aim, webmd (because if you didnt know, im a hypochondriac and often find myself on webmd diagnosing my own ailments).

11:30 rolls around, aka lunch time. If i have brought a lunch i usually eat in my office so i can listen to music, aim and lurk the internet. If i havent i drive home and do the same thing, instead in the computer room. I return from lunch to a slow 2 or 3 hours.... As the work slowly trickels in.... continue to work 'til 5 when my day is complete.

As menotenous as it seems, i actually enjoy it. I rarely have to question my schedule. I have lots of down time during work to dilly dally. My coworkers are funny and we often gossip about random things that dont apply to the office, which is a pleasant change from the cosmetics environment.

To be rather blunt, this blog was really a waste of time. I just needed something to write about... because i have nothing to look for on webmd, myspace is boring and work is slow. :)

step back in time.

here a all the blogs that were on my myspace.

--no point on have them there any more.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007
no fate, no fate but what we make....
Current mood: sick

its december 13th, early morning, late night what ever you prefer to call it. im ill, my body is aching and yet i cant help but smile. as i watch Elf, of and on i think about the past few months, as a matter of fact the past year and i couldnt be more pleased with myself and my situation.
from the moment i was old enough to develop mature emotions [i assume that was roughly at the age of 14] onward to the age of 17, i was such a meek soul. my heart stretched the length of the oceans and i was easily taken advantage of. friends got the best of me and i myself was left with the worst. i believe that was part of my appeal. yes i was funny, i was interesting, i was unique... but most obviously i was easily walked on and over.turning 18 was rough for me. at 18 i ended my first relationship. it was my first real heartache, my first love lossed. i dated many boys there after. a new boy every weekend... i did recycle every now and then. but something was missing. i met some one i was quite attracted to, yet i was very guarded. i didnt want to be hurt again. even then, the next year had to be the hardest year i have ever gone through. my self worth, my strength was tested. fast forward to 3 years later, im 21 and i have the greates friends i could ever ask for. i have a boyfriend that i wouldnt trade for the world and im truly happy. with that, i have learned somethings about my family these last few months that hurt to hear, for i feared the loss of lives i care for. with those revelations i have learned that there is truly "no fate but what we make". god, jesus, buddah, allah or which ever higher force you believe in may place trying situations in your hands, but it is you who decides what to do with it. very often it feels like within the whirlwind of emotion we have no control over anything in our lives, but in all truth, we have nothing but control. in the end we choose to hurt, we choose to heal. as the year comes to an end, i encourage everyone i know to hold fast and stand firm. question not the decisions you make, move forward toward the promise of a better tomorrow. take grasp of your lives and do not let any out side factor sway you from the path you choose to take. you are the creator of your days to come.

Sunday, September 02, 2007
revelations. speculations. retaliations.
Current mood: thoughtful

ive changed so much in the past few years. ive drifted away from old friends and soared toward new. ive seen many days, each so different from each other. living consecutive months of tears, distrust, negativity and insecurity. i passed on. reborn into a life of confusion, forgivness, and hatred. days like these take a toll on your being. i once was timid, ultra kind and completely trusting. i wouldnt hesitate to bend over backwards for others. i felt is was my calling, my job to cater to other peoples needs-- but through those days of struggle. i was hardened. i was toxic. i was no better than those i hated. how could i let myself become some one i swore i'd never be. its funny how life works. isnt it? it took some pretty heavy events in my life to snap me back to reality. my days are nothing short of amazing now. ive detoxified my life and i feel completely centered. i parted ways with jobs that brought me stress. i left the past in the past. i live my days one at a time. i surround myself with people who are truly there for me. people who enjoy my company, not just the services i provide. i can finally say whole heartedly that im happy. im in a good place. people can continue to be jealous. they can continue to tarnish my name. nothing can stop me from my persuit of eternal happiness. nothing.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007
fantasy vs. reality
Current mood: sick

NOTE TO SELF:
"DONT BE THE REASON THEY WANT TO ESCAPE REALITY, BE THE REASON THEY NEVER WANT TO LEAVE..." -- ME

I'VE FOUND THAT IN THIS LIFE... WE TEND TO PUSH AWAY THE PEOPLE WE CARE FOR THE MOST, INTENTIONAL OR NOT... ITS IN OUR NATURE. ITS OUR WAY.LIES. CHEATING. DISRESPECTING.IVE SEEN SO MUCH OF IT THE PAST TWO YEARS....I HAVE A NEW PERSPECTIVE...A NEW VIEW...A NEW UNDERSTANDING....SELF DESTRUCTION IS WHAT WE'RE BEST AT.WE SUCCEED ONLY TO FAIL...IM FAR FROM PESSEMISTIC....IM JUST COMPLETELY TRUTHFUL.
IVE SEEN THE STRONGEST PEOPLE IN MY LIFE BREAK AT THE HANDS OF LOVE.THE SAME LOVE THAT APPEARED TO BE EVER-LASTING.
I SEE MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY LOVE SOME ONE SO MUCH IT HURTS, BUT TAKE A MINUTE TO STOP AND THINK... LOVE SHOULDNT HURT.

LOVE:–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

PROUFOUND.TENDER. PASSIONATE. AFFECTION. EVEN READING BETWEEN THE LINES I CANT SEEM TO SEE WHERE IT SAYS LOVE CAN HURT, OR IN FACT WHERE IT SAID IT SHOULD HURT.TRUE LOVE SHOULD BE THE CURE TO PAIN, NOT THE CAUSE.SUPRESS YOUR ANGER. BE HONEST. BE OPEN. UPFRONT.
I HAVE A filthy PAST. FULL OF PROBLEMS AND SUFFERING.IVE BEEN HURT. CHEATED. LIED TO.IVE BEEN SICK. ABUSED. BEATEN.SO I HAVE FOUND THAT I RELIVE MY PAST THROUGH MY FRIENDS AND THEIR LIVES.BUT THE PAST SHOULD REMAIN IN THE PAST....
LEARN FROM IT.MOVE FORWARD.KILL THE past.LIVE THE future.YOUR REALITY IS WAS YOU MAKE IT.SO MAKE IT A PLACE WORTH BEING IN.MAKE YOUR REALITY SOMETHING LIKE A FANTASY.

FANTASY VS. REALITY.....WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE?

Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Warning: its all out.
Attraction, Love and Relationships

SURGEON GERNERALS WARNING:
CAUTION: ABUSE OF SAID FEELINGS AND SITUATIONS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO ONES HEALTH. CAN CAUSE HEART FAILURENAUSIA, FATIGUE, LOSS OF SLEEP AND EMOTIONAL INSTABLILITY. CONTINUAL ABUSE MAY LEED TO CRYING, VOMITING, INABILITY TO TRUST, EMOTIONAL DESPAIRITY AND AN INABLITY TO FUNCTION.

Wouldnt things be so much easier if love, attraction, and relationships all came with a warning? Not only a warning, but a care package, a survival kit, a manual. Something that could help you get through it all with out a hitch, a problem. But obviously, none of those things exist and quite frankly even if they did, it looks as though it wouldnt make any difference. This past week has be a struggle, not only for myself, but for my closest friends. It seems like the dawn of 2006 was the dawn of broken hearts. Left and right im seeing some of the strongest people i know, fall.... and its opened up my eyes to so many things. I'd like to say things are perfect, that things will work out if you're nice. I'd like to say that if you give it your all, good things will come. I'd like to say a lot.
...But words can mean absolutly nothing. Many a time they are just a bunch of letters put together to form a word, not always with a meaning. Words spoken can be lies, honesty and emotion. Words have no end. They can cause the most severe damage yet rarely fix things.
And even with all that words hold, actions are still what matter the most. Words can mean very little or mean a great deal, but in the end actions say it all.Actions show whether what is said is true. Actions are everything.So if I've learned anything at all... It is that actions are what count. Until i can see change, effort, emotion; words will mean nothing.

Which just goes to show... Even if there were a hand book, a warning... they are only words.... its the actions you see in attraction, love and relationships that will lead you to where you need to be and how you need to deal.

Sunday, August 28, 2005
.3

vanity. has become liturgy to the masses.
fornication.has become the newest hand shake.
lies.are now the newest dialog.
and our ignorance makes us complacent.we want nothing more to be liked.to please.
but at the cost of what?dignity.
absolve yourself of wrongs.
wash your hands of the shame you molded.
or if you desire, like most do.
remain unclean.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

.2
you all say women mystify the mind.we're so hard to fathom.so difficult to understand.well, take a look in the mirror.you're the one who's confusing.all your double talk and contradictions.starring at you is like starring down the barrel of a gun.im facing my demise.you will be my destruction.but at my own fault.i picked up the gun.like i picked up feelings for you.im grasping, slipping on blades.making lovesweat drippingrolling down bare skinbut as it hits the floor its blood markedwashed red.my hearts been pierced for certain this time.sexual gratification.is the end of that charade.by the look on my faceyou're finishedim played.so lets take that smoking barrelone more bullet left in the chamber.who would have known you could kill your self twice.

natalie©

Saturday, September 04, 2004
.1
Current mood: aggravated

you sit up on your high horse......
you think things are perfect for you? they arent...you think you're sultry?its the opposite im sure.its quite the contrary.your looks fall short.your pictures lie.
you talk as though you are acute.
who ever told you that was in the dark.
your intelligence diminishes faster than a puff of smoke in the air.
you are the one who is dense.
your words are nothing close to daggers.
they are dull.. they dont faze me.
are you sharpening that mental knife my dear.
or are you still stabbing at me with your imaginary sword?
so take our past. and leave it there.you think you are better? many would say other wise.you are nothing but a nominal pimp one day the beautiful girls you play will seeyou're dirty you're filthy
you're nothing near a man
my being...
it surpasses anything you will ever know
because my physicality combined with my mental state
is something you will never comprehend
the girls you acompany
will become women
and realize you
you are still a boy
so grow up my dear...before your looks deminish...if you dont...you will be left with nothing...you have no luminosity...your charm is dwindling at a rapid pace...so again i say grow up...
natalie©

complements to the chef.

He's the Peanut Butter to my Jelly.

and thats for damn sure.

stoked on life.

wow so its funny how life can feel super sucky one second then in the blink of an eye all the good comes crashing in!

i just got a new job as a marketing assistant... which means i work 40hrs a week, 8-5, mon thru fri.... no weekends or late nights! and i got a sick salary increase... score one for me!


im so excited to start my new job, but ill miss all my girlies and my gays! ill have to have drinks with them before i leave... it will be weird not doing make up day in and day out.... but im sure this is a step in the right direction for me!

oh yea... and ive lost 4lbs in the past week. FUCK YEA. i think my good karma is finally raining down!

veneration.

you may not know me... but respect me.
would you really want to be in my position...
probably not....

be civilized.

dont degrade yourself.


...dont confuse my calm demeanor as weakness... realize its purely maturity.


im being an adult, im being level headed.

please, do not test my patience.

--natalie ann

olympic games.

theres only one real reason i watch the olympics...

and its to watch Michael Phelps swim....

::sigh::

hes one oddly hott man!!!

not to mention a rediculously amazing swimmer.

.... :)

the completion of my mind, my body... my soul.

DISCLAIMER: DONT READ THIS IF YOURE DISGUSTED BY LOVE, SAPPY CLICHES AND LOTS OF NONSENSE ABOUT RAMIRO AND I :-p

love...
...I'VE FINALLY FOUND IT. NOT JUST LOVE, BUT TRUE-- UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I FEEL IT IN MY HEART, IN THE DEPTH OF MY SOUL, IN EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING; ITS AMAZING. IVE SEEN MY SHARE OF GUYS IN THE PAST... NONE OF WHICH COULD HOLD MY ATTENTION FOR LONGER THAN A FEW MONTHS. BEING THE EMOTIONAL PERSON THAT I AM... YES, I DID CARE DEEPLY FOR ONE OR TWO OF THEM, MAYBE EVEN THOUGHT I WAS in LOVE. THANKFULLY SOMETHING WITHIN ME TOLD ME THAN THOSE GUYS WERENT the one.

ITS SO FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS... THE PEOPLE YOU MEET, THE PEOPLE YOU BEFRIEND... WHEN IT COMES TO HONEST MATTERS OF THE HEART, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH LIFE HAS A PLAN AND ALL THOSE YOU KNOW AND COME ACROSS WILL SOMEDAY HOLD A PIECE OF THE PUZZLE THAT IS YOUR LIFE. I CAN SAY THAT IS THE REALITY OF MY HAPPINESS TODAY. MAYBE THINGS DONT HAPPEN THIS WAY FOR EVERYONE... MAYBE IM JUST A UNIQUE CASE, WHAT EVER THE ANSWER MAY BE... ALL I KNOW IS LOOKING BACK ON MY LIFE I CAN SEE EXACTLY HOW IT ALL WAS MEANT TO BE THAT WAY JUST SO LIFE COULD BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS IT IS RIGHT NOW.

THE CITY I LIVE IN... THE NEIGHBORHOOD... THE SCHOOLS I ATTENDED AND THE FRIENDS I MADE THERE... IT ALL CONTRIBUTED TO ME MEETING RAMIRO. AS EMBARRASSING AS IT IS FOR BOTH OF US TO ADMIT, YES, myspace WAS A FACTOR. IT WAS THREE YEARS AND SEVEN MONTHS AGO THAT RAMIRO ACTUALLY SENT ME THAT FIRST MESSAGE (YEA I ACTUALLY HAVE IT SAVED IN MY MYSPACE INBOX, WHAT CAN I SAY IM A FAN OF NOSTALGIA hahahaha). I GOT MESSAGES FROM RANDOM GUYS AND BANDS QUITE FREQUENTLY AND I NEVER BOTHERED TO READ MUCH LESS ANSWER ANY OF THEM, BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THAT MESSAGE THAT MADE ME WANT TO WRITE BACK, MADE ME WANT TO KNOW HIM. FROM THERE ON WAS JUST A FLOOD GATE THAT WAS OPENED UP. I FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY THE COUSIN OF SOME CHILDHOOD FRIENDS OF MINE AND QUITE A FEW OF HIS RELATIVES LIVED LITERALLY ONE STREET OVER FROM ME. AND TO BE QUITE HONEST THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON I EVEN CONSIDERED GOING OUT WITH HIM THE FIRST TIME... BECAUSE WITH ALL THE WACKOS IN THE WORLD I WOULDNT DARE GO OUT WITH SOME ONE I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE... AT LEAST THIS WAY I WAS FRIENDS WITH HIS COUSINS AND IF HE TURNED OUT TO BE CRAZY I COULD JUST CALL THEM HAHAHAH :)


FROM THE MOMENT WE ACTUALLY SPOKE ON THE PHONE.... THE HOURS WE SPENT JUST TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING AND NOTHING IT WAS SO CRAZY HOW EASILY HE KEPT MY ATTENTION, WHEN TO BE REAL, AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE ALL GUYS WERE DISPOSABLE. THE FIRST DATE, THE FIRST KISS, THE FIRST HAND HOLD, THE FIRST HUG.... EVERYTHING WAS FUN AND EXCITING. WE SPENT A LONG TIME FIGURING OUT WHERE WE WERE GOING AND WHAT WE WERE DOING. THERE WAS A LOT OF HEART ACHE, MANY ANGRY WORDS, MANY TEARS... ON BOTH SIDES. AS MUCH AS WE COULDNT BE TOGETHER... WE COULDNT BE APART. WE SPENT MANY MINUTES FIGHTING, BUT TWICE AS MANY MINUTES MAKING UP AND LAUGHING.


WE PASSED THE ROUGH PATCHES AND SLOWLY MADE OUR WAY TO SOMEWHAT SMOOTH SAILING. I AM THANKFUL FOR EVERY FIGHT WE EVER HAD, EVERY MISTAKE THAT WAS MADE AND EVERY MOMENT WE THOUGHT "MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST END IT HERE" BECAUSE ITS THOSE MOMENTS THAT MADE US STRONG. ITS THOSE DAYS THAT HELPED US TO REALIZE THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. EVERYDAY WE ARE GROWING TOGETHER AND LEARNING MORE ABOUT ONE ANOTHER... AND FALLING MORE AND MORE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS 3 YEARS STRONG AND EVEN NOW I STILL FEEL BUTTERFLIES WHEN I GO TO SEE HIM, I STILL SMILE WHEN I GET A TXT MSG FROM "PAPA BEAR" AND MY HEART STILL RACES WHEN HE WHISPERS i love you IN MY EAR. I LOVE THIS BOY WITH ALL MY HEART AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME. NO ONE, I MEAN no one CAN TOUCH US. THEY CAN TRY, AND PEOPLE HAVE... THEY DIDNT SUCCEED THEN AND THEY NEVER WILL...

ramiro e gallegos && natalie a garcia

...unstoppable...

ps... i listened to anthony green's solo album Avalon 3 times while writing this... <3

when one leads the others flock...

you cant call the masses sheep...

then turn around, put on a wool coat

and expect to stand out.

stand by your choices, be your own person and dont sacrafice yourself.

...do you.

angelic moments.

THE BOYFRIEND AND I WENT TO WATCH THE ANGEL VS INDIANS GAME.

IT HAD BEEN A WHILE SINCE THE 2 OF US HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET OUT -- JUST THE 2 OF US AND IT WAS LOADS OF FUN.

THERE WERE ANNOYING INDIAN FANS BEHIND US AND ROWDY ANGEL FANS YELLING AT THEM...

LOTS OF CHEERING....

OVER PRICED BEER, ICEE'S AND FOOD...

EXCITEMENT...

JUST GOOD OL' BASEBALL.

I HAD AN AMAZING TIME TODAY AND I HOPE TO DO THIS MORE OFTEN...

NOW... ALL I CAN DO IS LOOK FORWARD TO VEGAS THIS WEEKEND!!!

stagnant.

I FEEL LIKE IVE BEEN STANDING STILL.
I HATE THE LOSS OF PROGRESSION.
I LOVE LEARNING AND GROWING--
AND I FEEL AS THOUGH IVE BECOME STAGNANT.
LEARNING NOTHING NEW AND GOING NO WHERE.

I HAVE AN OK JOB, IT PAYS THE BILLS... BUT IS NOTHING NEAR INTELLECTUALY STIMULATING.
I THINK IN 09 IM GOING TO START ESTHETICIAN SCHOOL.
I FEEL I NEED TO FURTHER MY CAREER...
AND I KNOW I DONT NEED A LICENSE TO PROGRESS IN MAKE UP....
I WANT TO BE THE BEST THAT I CAN POSSIBLY BE.
I WANT TO BE EDUCATED IN EVERYTHING I DO.... AND DO IT WELL.

*SIGH


I HATE STANDING STILL....
I WANT TO BE AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE.
..BECAUSE I KNOW DEEP DOWN I AM.

mind tricks.

WE WATCHED THE MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF THE DARK KNIGHT... IT WAS SERIOUSLY, amazing.
SO SICK AND TWISTED.


... ITS SUCH A SHAME TO KNOW THAT SUCH A TALENTED ACTOR, HEATH LEDGER IS NO LONGER AROUND.

BUT ITS NOT HARD TO SEE HOW HIS ROLE COULD HAVE HAD A GREAT EFFECT ON HIS MIND AND WHAT WAS HIS LIFE.

I MUST ADMIT, THIS QUITE POSSIBLY IS THE BEST MOVIE IVE SEEN IN GTHE PAST FEW YEARS.


SO WORTH THE WAIT!!


UGH, OK... SLEEP TIME... IVE GOT WORK IN A FEW HOURS :( poop!

fly high thunder bird.

MY MOTHER THREW AWAY MY MOCCASINS :(
I CANT FIND COMFORT LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN!


REST IN PEACE MOCCASINS! <3

crashing hault.

TONIGHT I SEEM TO BE SUFFERING FROM INSOMNIA.

I HAD A ROUGH EVENING-- INCREASINGLY EMOTIONAL.

I HAVENT FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT SOMETHING IN QUITE SOME TIME.

SO STONG INFACT...

THAT EVEN AFTER I calmed down PHYSICALLY, MY MIND; 3 HOURS LATER IS still RACING.

I HAVE WORK IN 6 HOURS, I HOPE I CAN FIND SOME TIME TO SLEEP.

I HOPE MY mind CAN TURN OFF FOR JUST A moment.

ps. i decided to start using blogspot.

everytime i posted a new blog on LJ an aim bot im'd me and it was getting pretty annoying.

stupid "___salmon" aim bot. :(