finding vindication.

life wasnt meant to be easy. it wasnt meant to be a walk in the park, but dont you find it some what annoying when you come across some one who is seemingly going down the road of life with out a hitch? fuck them, really.

my whole life has been an up-hill struggle, in all aspects-- mostly my personal well being. low self esteem as always been a culprit of my unhappiness. for some reason no matter how many honor and a.p. classes i took in school... no matter how many scholarships received i never felt smart enough. it didnt matter how many boys asked me out, or how many fought for me i was never pretty enough. regardless of how many meals i skipped, meals i threw up, or miles i ran i was never skinny enough. i-- was never good enough.

from what i could remember it was the roughest during my transition from 15 to 16. i lost 35lbs in 4 months... shitty right? it was when i finally lost all that weight i felt an ounce better about myself... at least i thought so. i was 17 when i finally decided to start dating... ass holes. you know the hot guys from work (i worked at knotts at the time so it was usually the white surfer boys LOL), cuties in bands and older boys... all trouble. i finally met a "good guy". we talked, i dated bad guys in between.... and after a year i settled down with the "good guy".....i "fell in love" after a month (oh the stupidity of 17 year olds!)..... and what do you know... 2 months in i learned he wasnt so good after all... i was butt hurt and super depressed. shit hit the fan and all i did was cry. i filled the void with a plethora of 1st dates (at that time i was hott shit and boys always wanted to go out with me haha). --dont get me wrong either, i wasnt slutting around. sex wasnt an option and you were lucky if you got a kiss. i needed a warm body. i needed some one to keep me going. i worked really hard at getting back on my feet. i met ramiro shortly after, but things didnt magically get easier... if anything they got harder.

i had a lot of baggage. i worked jobs that worked me to the bone and left me with nothing to show for it. i stuggled with who i was and if it was even worth trying. it took a year for me to work my issues out of my system. with lots of drama that happened in between and all the demons with in i had to face my life was spiraling out of control. until one day.... out of no where things just seemed to fall into place. i had this undeniable understanding of my life. it just made sense. all the shitty things that happened and all the beautiful things left to occur. it was all clear to me. its on the days when i feel genuinely happy that i recall all these things; the struggles and revelations. i look at my life as it is now and i know that now is the part when things go great. this is my reward for the hardships i faced. this is my reward for not giving up. this is my reward for being a good person.

ive got a great job, amazing friends, supportive family, and a boyfriend who loves me.
thats more that most can say for themselves.
and i appreciate it more than any one can understand.
-- because at one point in time i didnt have any of that.

thank the lord for dumb bitches and hard times.
with out them, life would be boring.