wishing on stars.

dreams are a tricky thing... and im not talking about those visual manifestations that occur when youre asleep. im talking about a persons aspirations, their goals, their ambitions. we all have them, lots of them... if you dont then maybe youre not alive. i think my life was built on dreams. primarily because i have a longing to be better than what i currently am. its never been about wanting what i cant or dont have... its wanting what i KNOW i can get. ive always had that "prove you wrong" mentality... mostly because im a brat. when some one told me they didnt believe in me or that i couldnt do something it was my first instinct to prove them wrong... ive built my life on dreams because im never content and i hate failure. i will admit im very ambitions and sometimes i put too much on my plate. so i tend to let little things fall through the cracks-- sometimes big things.

i came from a family that thought highly of education and stellar grades (because good just didnt cut it). from a young age i knew i was different and so did my parents. we were all aware of my intelligence... that was never a question... but i just didnt seem to have the same affinity for school as my brother and sister... i was a free spirit trapped in a book worms body. i maintained a 3.5 and up (every now and then dropping to a 3.0 and being scared shitless about it)... i went to church and youth group just about every day (religion was a REALLY big thing in my home). i barely satisfied my parents dreams for me... but i wasnt at all satisfying myself. i wanted to do all things creative. even with my already busy schedule i joined dance and drill team; i also had a short lived stint in the choir. this is where i wanted to excel and i did. my goals for life after high school were on two complete opposite sides of the spectrum... i wanted to be intellectually and financially successful so i worked hard in school so i could go to pepperdine and study law. but i also had dreams of being a dancer, not the type that belonged to a company, more so the type that did videos and concerts. dance was what i did when i was feeling low or uninspired. i watched music videos day in and day out, learning the routines. i jumped into as many dance classes as i could. i danced until i was 19, ending my dance "career" during my last year at college... some how that dream fizzled out. maybe it was reality sinking in?

my dream of being a lawyer also faded mainly because i didnt want to be a slave to the man haha. it was at this point that i needed to figure out what i wanted to persue. my sister, who graduated summa cum laude from csuf with a degree in public relations (for those of you who dont understand the magnitude of what that is, she graduate with a 4.5gpa making her first in her collegiate class, i know right?!) has always been who i went to for life advice. she was stern, smart and non judgmental. she would give me the honest answer whether i liked it or not. it was her words that made me want to persue a life in hair and cosmetic artisty. she believed in my talent and encouraged me to get the best education possible. my parents werent pleased with the idea of their daughter becoming a hair dresser, but they listened to my sister and begrudgingly agreed to help me financially. i had big goals, i wanted to be the best of the best. i decided to do that i would enroll at paul mitchell the school. i wont go into the number game of how much it really was, just know i could have bought a beamer with my tuition. i decided to go with that school, not only because of its "prestige" but because of the opportunities i knew i would get because of it. being there i truly felt this is where i needed to be. because i made it a point to stand out, because i wanted to be on top the dean knew my name, new my talent and knew who to go to when they needed hands. i did things as a student that, licensed hair dressers who have been in the industry for years will probably never get the chance to do. i did hair for LA fashion week, as well as doing a number of tillys photoshoots. the greatest opportunity of all though was working with the amazing vivienne mackinder. i mean how many cosmo students can say they physically worked with a 5 time NAHA winner. ive never talked about this particular moment in my life, simply because i knew if i did, i would create high expectations and i could possibly disappoint many loved ones... but here it goes: the last day i worked with ms. mackinder, we had a talk about my dreams in hair dressing. i took in all her advice and her genuine words of wisdom and she told me that she see's me going great places, that she hopes to someday cross paths with me. i was on cloud nine... but on my drive home from the long beach convention center i was extremely pensive, i decided id keep that convo to myself because i didnt want to create something that i couldnt complete. somewhere in the next year i lost focus. i lost ambition. i started to realize that my passion for hair wasnt what it use to be. yes, i loved hair i was great at it, but did i love it enough to make it my world? these questions led me to quit hair school (queue grease's "beauty school drop out"). where do i go from here? i knew i wanted to be a part of the beauty industry, but i couldnt seem to find where i really wanted to be. from then to now, ive worked in a full service spa, a bank, worked for benefit cosmetics and now im here. working as a marketing assistant. i have a grown up job with a grown up life to come. yet i still dont know where i want to be, career-wise that is. hmm do i smell some dabbling in fashion marketing? chalk it up to me to want to be a jack of all trades :)

emotionally, my dreams are being fulfilled completely. just like any girl, i wanted to find my soul mate... the one person to complete me. i think that i may have found that in ramiro. as ive expressed in prior blogs, we've had really rough days. but youve got to work hard to get where you want to be right? im not naive, i know nothing is for sure. we are both young and growing. i cant predict that things will remain this way forever. all i can say is i wouldnt hate it if it did :) ramiro not just my boyfriend, hes my best friend. i know i can come to him about almost anything. he not only supports me in my many endeavors, he encourages me. im glad to say that i have found some one that i can honestly and whole heartedly love. we bump heads, we exchange words, we argue and get frustrated... but isnt that where passion lies? its when you dont care, that you loose hope. with ever argument we progress as a tighter unit and i am reminded of how much i appreciate him in my life, and i hope the feeling is mutual.

dreams, ambitions, goals are never ending. they flow constant and i dont ever want that to change. my life is a ball of desire... i want to keep growing, learning, a moving forward. i will never stop when i hit a wall, i will do what it takes to move past it. i can not and will not be stopped at this point in my life. my energy is positive and ready to burst. i cant wait to see what life has in store for me!

because she loves my can.

debbie tan.
remember the first time we met? probably not because you were sloppy drunk :) you made me sit on you lap. that was the first time i wet myself in public. it was from then on i learned to wear depends adult diapers when i know im going to see you, because like a young puppy i get excited when im around you making it hard for me to stop myself from urinating all over the place .ie. your leg. youre va-jay-jay is like pancakes and eggs on a sunday morning, comforting and warm. your touch makes everything below my equator go into convulsions. it feels like the northridge earthquake all over again.

debbie tan.. please touch my can :)


hahhahahahahahahaha.
:-p

i got my fix... kind of.

so im a shop-a-holic. everyone knows that. i was really good and refrained from shopping for about a month or so.... yesterday i got my first check from my new job... SWEET! and what do you think i did? SPLURGED!

i picked up some new jeans: Rock and Republic in the Berlin style. i was in desperate need of new pants so i picked some up... i wanted to buy another pair but i could seem to find any that fit well. i decided to go with more expensive jeans because 1. they fit the best and 2. they last a lot longer than any run of the mill brand. i also picked up a few items from h&m. i got a cute green cropped jacket-- fashioned toward the members only look. i also bought a few new accessories: beanie, scarf and purse. i will admit i spent an obscene amount of money today and its till not over. tomorrow im taking a trip to american apparel with ramiros sister. then i will have my fix for sure. im not going to deny it or sugar coat it. i love to have money and i love spend it.... and im damn good at it hahaha. if shopping were an olympic event, i'd be the michael phelps of the sport.

ahh im a happy camper.
shopping day with my papa bear.
new clothes.
and more shopping to come.

what a good way to end my night.
HAHA.

oh no you di'nt?!

im not a judgemental girl. nor am i shallow, short tempered, picky, or fickle. but i do have a long list of pet-peeves. details tend to rule my world and little things here and there tend to "erk" me. i figure to pass the time i will list few things that when seen, will probably inspire me to talk shit or curse up a storm :)

what can i say, i call it like i see it... so if i dont like it i will speak about it haha.

.slow drivers, especially due to cell phone.
.denim on denim (ie denim jacket with jeans).
.bluetooths... if youre not in a car, then you dont need it.
.babyphat and phat farm.
.pissing calvin stickers.
.bad highlights
.bad extentions: if i can see where they start or the dont match your hair.. theyre not good.
.bad eyebrows
.muffin tops: if youre wearing size 7 jeans and they button under your gut, then maybe you should wear a 9 or 11. you’ll look a slimmer, trust me.
.when some one explains something to me more than once: if i didnt ask you to repeat yourself, then its more than likely i didnt need to hear it again.
.bad driving directions... i get lost on my own, i dont need assistance with that :)
.sTiCKy CapS
.dumb b's, whores, homewreckers and the like.
.people who whistle or make the "pst" sound: really that doesnt make me want to date you.
.hickeys in public view.
.bad tattoos.
.scenesters. -- if you share your jeans, your flat iron, and your eyeliner with your boyfriend… then I mean you!
.panty lines.
.liquid eyeliner eyebrows.
.grammatical errors (although my blog is sure to be riddled with them)
.myspace drama… GET OVER IT, if you can legally purchase your own porn and cigarettes then maybe your old enough to do your arguing in person.
.bad breath.
.alcohol induced arguments.
.finding dribbles of urine on the toilet seat.

im sure theres more i can write... but i guess i'll save it for another post.

finding vindication.

life wasnt meant to be easy. it wasnt meant to be a walk in the park, but dont you find it some what annoying when you come across some one who is seemingly going down the road of life with out a hitch? fuck them, really.

my whole life has been an up-hill struggle, in all aspects-- mostly my personal well being. low self esteem as always been a culprit of my unhappiness. for some reason no matter how many honor and a.p. classes i took in school... no matter how many scholarships received i never felt smart enough. it didnt matter how many boys asked me out, or how many fought for me i was never pretty enough. regardless of how many meals i skipped, meals i threw up, or miles i ran i was never skinny enough. i-- was never good enough.

from what i could remember it was the roughest during my transition from 15 to 16. i lost 35lbs in 4 months... shitty right? it was when i finally lost all that weight i felt an ounce better about myself... at least i thought so. i was 17 when i finally decided to start dating... ass holes. you know the hot guys from work (i worked at knotts at the time so it was usually the white surfer boys LOL), cuties in bands and older boys... all trouble. i finally met a "good guy". we talked, i dated bad guys in between.... and after a year i settled down with the "good guy".....i "fell in love" after a month (oh the stupidity of 17 year olds!)..... and what do you know... 2 months in i learned he wasnt so good after all... i was butt hurt and super depressed. shit hit the fan and all i did was cry. i filled the void with a plethora of 1st dates (at that time i was hott shit and boys always wanted to go out with me haha). --dont get me wrong either, i wasnt slutting around. sex wasnt an option and you were lucky if you got a kiss. i needed a warm body. i needed some one to keep me going. i worked really hard at getting back on my feet. i met ramiro shortly after, but things didnt magically get easier... if anything they got harder.

i had a lot of baggage. i worked jobs that worked me to the bone and left me with nothing to show for it. i stuggled with who i was and if it was even worth trying. it took a year for me to work my issues out of my system. with lots of drama that happened in between and all the demons with in i had to face my life was spiraling out of control. until one day.... out of no where things just seemed to fall into place. i had this undeniable understanding of my life. it just made sense. all the shitty things that happened and all the beautiful things left to occur. it was all clear to me. its on the days when i feel genuinely happy that i recall all these things; the struggles and revelations. i look at my life as it is now and i know that now is the part when things go great. this is my reward for the hardships i faced. this is my reward for not giving up. this is my reward for being a good person.

ive got a great job, amazing friends, supportive family, and a boyfriend who loves me.
thats more that most can say for themselves.
and i appreciate it more than any one can understand.
-- because at one point in time i didnt have any of that.

thank the lord for dumb bitches and hard times.
with out them, life would be boring.

did you photo copy my day?

Life as Ive know it so far has been more, routine.
--more repetitive.

I wake up every morning Monday through Friday at 6:45am (7:05 on a lazy day)... As soon as i turn my alarm off i lay for a minute or two and visualize what Im going to wear. Put on a pot of coffee, go to the bathroom, wash my face, and brush my teeth. I pour a cup of coffee and take it into the bathroom with me (gross i know :-P). I proceed to do as little make up and hair maintenence as possible, get dressed, but still appear to look like i give a damn. I fold my comforter and fix my pillows. I grab my purse, cell, 2nd cup of coffee, and lunch. By this time its 7:45/750am-ish.

10 mintues give or take of driving.

I arrive to work at 8:05 the latest. I commence with the day. Dental cases, calls, computer researching, busy work, no work, microsoft excel, myspace, aim, webmd (because if you didnt know, im a hypochondriac and often find myself on webmd diagnosing my own ailments).

11:30 rolls around, aka lunch time. If i have brought a lunch i usually eat in my office so i can listen to music, aim and lurk the internet. If i havent i drive home and do the same thing, instead in the computer room. I return from lunch to a slow 2 or 3 hours.... As the work slowly trickels in.... continue to work 'til 5 when my day is complete.

As menotenous as it seems, i actually enjoy it. I rarely have to question my schedule. I have lots of down time during work to dilly dally. My coworkers are funny and we often gossip about random things that dont apply to the office, which is a pleasant change from the cosmetics environment.

To be rather blunt, this blog was really a waste of time. I just needed something to write about... because i have nothing to look for on webmd, myspace is boring and work is slow. :)