here a all the blogs that were on my myspace.
--no point on have them there any more.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
no fate, no fate but what we make....
Current mood: sick
its december 13th, early morning, late night what ever you prefer to call it. im ill, my body is aching and yet i cant help but smile. as i watch Elf, of and on i think about the past few months, as a matter of fact the past year and i couldnt be more pleased with myself and my situation.
from the moment i was old enough to develop mature emotions [i assume that was roughly at the age of 14] onward to the age of 17, i was such a meek soul. my heart stretched the length of the oceans and i was easily taken advantage of. friends got the best of me and i myself was left with the worst. i believe that was part of my appeal. yes i was funny, i was interesting, i was unique... but most obviously i was easily walked on and over.turning 18 was rough for me. at 18 i ended my first relationship. it was my first real heartache, my first love lossed. i dated many boys there after. a new boy every weekend... i did recycle every now and then. but something was missing. i met some one i was quite attracted to, yet i was very guarded. i didnt want to be hurt again. even then, the next year had to be the hardest year i have ever gone through. my self worth, my strength was tested. fast forward to 3 years later, im 21 and i have the greates friends i could ever ask for. i have a boyfriend that i wouldnt trade for the world and im truly happy. with that, i have learned somethings about my family these last few months that hurt to hear, for i feared the loss of lives i care for. with those revelations i have learned that there is truly "no fate but what we make". god, jesus, buddah, allah or which ever higher force you believe in may place trying situations in your hands, but it is you who decides what to do with it. very often it feels like within the whirlwind of emotion we have no control over anything in our lives, but in all truth, we have nothing but control. in the end we choose to hurt, we choose to heal. as the year comes to an end, i encourage everyone i know to hold fast and stand firm. question not the decisions you make, move forward toward the promise of a better tomorrow. take grasp of your lives and do not let any out side factor sway you from the path you choose to take. you are the creator of your days to come.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
revelations. speculations. retaliations.
Current mood: thoughtful
ive changed so much in the past few years. ive drifted away from old friends and soared toward new. ive seen many days, each so different from each other. living consecutive months of tears, distrust, negativity and insecurity. i passed on. reborn into a life of confusion, forgivness, and hatred. days like these take a toll on your being. i once was timid, ultra kind and completely trusting. i wouldnt hesitate to bend over backwards for others. i felt is was my calling, my job to cater to other peoples needs-- but through those days of struggle. i was hardened. i was toxic. i was no better than those i hated. how could i let myself become some one i swore i'd never be. its funny how life works. isnt it? it took some pretty heavy events in my life to snap me back to reality. my days are nothing short of amazing now. ive detoxified my life and i feel completely centered. i parted ways with jobs that brought me stress. i left the past in the past. i live my days one at a time. i surround myself with people who are truly there for me. people who enjoy my company, not just the services i provide. i can finally say whole heartedly that im happy. im in a good place. people can continue to be jealous. they can continue to tarnish my name. nothing can stop me from my persuit of eternal happiness. nothing.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
fantasy vs. reality
Current mood: sick
NOTE TO SELF:
"DONT BE THE REASON THEY WANT TO ESCAPE REALITY, BE THE REASON THEY NEVER WANT TO LEAVE..." -- ME
I'VE FOUND THAT IN THIS LIFE... WE TEND TO PUSH AWAY THE PEOPLE WE CARE FOR THE MOST, INTENTIONAL OR NOT... ITS IN OUR NATURE. ITS OUR WAY.LIES. CHEATING. DISRESPECTING.IVE SEEN SO MUCH OF IT THE PAST TWO YEARS....I HAVE A NEW PERSPECTIVE...A NEW VIEW...A NEW UNDERSTANDING....SELF DESTRUCTION IS WHAT WE'RE BEST AT.WE SUCCEED ONLY TO FAIL...IM FAR FROM PESSEMISTIC....IM JUST COMPLETELY TRUTHFUL.
IVE SEEN THE STRONGEST PEOPLE IN MY LIFE BREAK AT THE HANDS OF LOVE.THE SAME LOVE THAT APPEARED TO BE EVER-LASTING.
I SEE MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY LOVE SOME ONE SO MUCH IT HURTS, BUT TAKE A MINUTE TO STOP AND THINK... LOVE SHOULDNT HURT.
LOVE:–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
PROUFOUND.TENDER. PASSIONATE. AFFECTION. EVEN READING BETWEEN THE LINES I CANT SEEM TO SEE WHERE IT SAYS LOVE CAN HURT, OR IN FACT WHERE IT SAID IT SHOULD HURT.TRUE LOVE SHOULD BE THE CURE TO PAIN, NOT THE CAUSE.SUPRESS YOUR ANGER. BE HONEST. BE OPEN. UPFRONT.
I HAVE A filthy PAST. FULL OF PROBLEMS AND SUFFERING.IVE BEEN HURT. CHEATED. LIED TO.IVE BEEN SICK. ABUSED. BEATEN.SO I HAVE FOUND THAT I RELIVE MY PAST THROUGH MY FRIENDS AND THEIR LIVES.BUT THE PAST SHOULD REMAIN IN THE PAST....
LEARN FROM IT.MOVE FORWARD.KILL THE past.LIVE THE future.YOUR REALITY IS WAS YOU MAKE IT.SO MAKE IT A PLACE WORTH BEING IN.MAKE YOUR REALITY SOMETHING LIKE A FANTASY.
FANTASY VS. REALITY.....WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE?
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Warning: its all out.
Attraction, Love and Relationships
SURGEON GERNERALS WARNING:
CAUTION: ABUSE OF SAID FEELINGS AND SITUATIONS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO ONES HEALTH. CAN CAUSE HEART FAILURENAUSIA, FATIGUE, LOSS OF SLEEP AND EMOTIONAL INSTABLILITY. CONTINUAL ABUSE MAY LEED TO CRYING, VOMITING, INABILITY TO TRUST, EMOTIONAL DESPAIRITY AND AN INABLITY TO FUNCTION.
Wouldnt things be so much easier if love, attraction, and relationships all came with a warning? Not only a warning, but a care package, a survival kit, a manual. Something that could help you get through it all with out a hitch, a problem. But obviously, none of those things exist and quite frankly even if they did, it looks as though it wouldnt make any difference. This past week has be a struggle, not only for myself, but for my closest friends. It seems like the dawn of 2006 was the dawn of broken hearts. Left and right im seeing some of the strongest people i know, fall.... and its opened up my eyes to so many things. I'd like to say things are perfect, that things will work out if you're nice. I'd like to say that if you give it your all, good things will come. I'd like to say a lot.
...But words can mean absolutly nothing. Many a time they are just a bunch of letters put together to form a word, not always with a meaning. Words spoken can be lies, honesty and emotion. Words have no end. They can cause the most severe damage yet rarely fix things.
And even with all that words hold, actions are still what matter the most. Words can mean very little or mean a great deal, but in the end actions say it all.Actions show whether what is said is true. Actions are everything.So if I've learned anything at all... It is that actions are what count. Until i can see change, effort, emotion; words will mean nothing.
Which just goes to show... Even if there were a hand book, a warning... they are only words.... its the actions you see in attraction, love and relationships that will lead you to where you need to be and how you need to deal.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
.3
vanity. has become liturgy to the masses.
fornication.has become the newest hand shake.
lies.are now the newest dialog.
and our ignorance makes us complacent.we want nothing more to be liked.to please.
but at the cost of what?dignity.
absolve yourself of wrongs.
wash your hands of the shame you molded.
or if you desire, like most do.
remain unclean.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
.2
you all say women mystify the mind.we're so hard to fathom.so difficult to understand.well, take a look in the mirror.you're the one who's confusing.all your double talk and contradictions.starring at you is like starring down the barrel of a gun.im facing my demise.you will be my destruction.but at my own fault.i picked up the gun.like i picked up feelings for you.im grasping, slipping on blades.making lovesweat drippingrolling down bare skinbut as it hits the floor its blood markedwashed red.my hearts been pierced for certain this time.sexual gratification.is the end of that charade.by the look on my faceyou're finishedim played.so lets take that smoking barrelone more bullet left in the chamber.who would have known you could kill your self twice.
natalie©
Saturday, September 04, 2004
.1
Current mood: aggravated
you sit up on your high horse......
you think things are perfect for you? they arent...you think you're sultry?its the opposite im sure.its quite the contrary.your looks fall short.your pictures lie.
you talk as though you are acute.
who ever told you that was in the dark.
your intelligence diminishes faster than a puff of smoke in the air.
you are the one who is dense.
your words are nothing close to daggers.
they are dull.. they dont faze me.
are you sharpening that mental knife my dear.
or are you still stabbing at me with your imaginary sword?
so take our past. and leave it there.you think you are better? many would say other wise.you are nothing but a nominal pimp one day the beautiful girls you play will seeyou're dirty you're filthy
you're nothing near a man
my being...
it surpasses anything you will ever know
because my physicality combined with my mental state
is something you will never comprehend
the girls you acompany
will become women
and realize you
you are still a boy
so grow up my dear...before your looks deminish...if you dont...you will be left with nothing...you have no luminosity...your charm is dwindling at a rapid pace...so again i say grow up...
natalie©
